Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   baby showers are ridiculas you have un protected sex and now I gota buy you a gift? Ive been having unprotected sex for years all I ever got was hurt feelings

   When an old lady pokes you at a wedding and says "you're next"....just do the same to them at a funeral.

   Hey Lady gaga! Madonna called, she wants her style back.

   I'm sitting on my couch and updating this status from my cell phone just so my friends think I leave my house occasionally

   Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

   WTF....Its rains cats and dogs and now birds! But not one single cougar or beaver!!!

   Thank You Rich Rod for an Amazing 3 Years, your time has been greatly appreciated! - The Rest of the Big Ten

   in a relationship with the Craigslist Killer and it complicated!

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !

   With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   500 birds fell out of sky in Louisiana too? OK that's it, something crazy is going on. Where's Fox Mulder when you need him?

   Yo mamma so fat she use a ipad as iphone

   I've always been suspicious of people who operate their Christmas lights after New Years day.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking, debauchery or cursing, then it involves less of me.

   has 12 episodes of A&E's "Hoarders" recorded on his DVR and he just can't throw any away.  

   I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not right.

   Dear Drama Queens who cry ab not every status being hillarious.. Isnt that the point? You scroll through all the crappy ones, kill a little time in ur day then BAM got one!!! Sorry we cant just hand you everything in life.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.