Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section

   would really like to own a meat factory. My favorite line to scream at the employees would be "GET TO THE CHOPPA!"

   It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?

   I'm a damn good listener....just ask the tv!

   Life is like an FB friend list, people come into your life an present unlimited possibilities. What you do with them is up to you. Some you interact with. Some you don't . And some you say "Who the heck is this person and what are they doing in my life?

   it weird if I ask my ex if I could use her as a reference for my resume for a new girlfriend?...

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.

   You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)

   wishes google maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option

   You have no idea how bad I want to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street!....Just Sayin...

   I JUST READ THEY ARE TAKING A POLL ASKING "HOW OLD IS TOO OLD TO DRIVE" I THINK WHEN YOUR ARE DOING 4 MPH IN THE LEFT LANE AND I CAN'T SEE YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL, AND USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL 37 BLOCKS BEFORE YOU TURN.

   If I was two faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

   Ever notice in movies that all the bad stuff happens after having sex? Like the Terminator showed up just minutes after the sex scene.

   ‎'If you see an angry bear, pretend to be dead,'...are you sure? I won't be pretending for long. It's a bear that's already angry. The last thing I should be doing is playing a practical joke on it.

   Obama thinks that $172,000 a year is a modest salary. Scratching my head .....I want a modest salary!!!

   Coupon Susie and I were going to get married, but it turned out she just wasn't cut out for me.

   I have been so lazy this week the the Government called and asked if I wanted a check!!!

   thinks the world would be a lot more fun if people screamed when they yawned...

   wanna know why that dog hangs his head out the car window,cause the drivers breath stinks ,...

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.