Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have 2 tons of that white global warming arctic packing material in my driveway right now going by the undercover name of "snow".

   wonder I dyslexics if can read this.

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...

   watching It's Complicated and thinking it's really not that complicated. Meryl Streep is sleeping with her married ex- husband Alec Baldwin and at the same time her Architect Steve Martin.I think I got it figured out..

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   increasingly tempted to use the 'Like' button as a subversive, vaguely passive-aggressive weapon. For instance, some shithead I recently deleted who I was never too keen on, announced that his car had been stolen...It seeemed an ideal moment to click like

   127.0.0.1 I wish I was with you right now and not at work. I would love to crawl in your nice warm bed and snuggle under the covers.

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   There is no such thing as being underdressed when you're going to Wal-Mart.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   Darnit, my kufi doesn't match my dashiki. What on earth will I wear for Kwanzaa??

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)

   MTV just sent me a message that had something to do with fist pumping with Snooki and The Situation this New Year's Eve. Can I fist pump them in the jaw?

   With all these numbers opping up, you would think somone would have a bingo by now

   I've been in a relationship with Jack Daniels for so long...should be able to claim him as a dependant on my taxes.

   Score ! I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough...... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   I would do alot of things... But catch a grenade... Line has got to be drawn somewhere...