Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied. … then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.

   Have you ever seen a Duck eat a Tiger? Watch ESPN Monday night.....

   At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."

   just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a saucepan in the kitchen ..... it's a damn sick world we live in. ....... What the hell was he doing in the kitchen

   When are the Kardashian going to start dropping off like the birds and the fish? Take them instead

   FOX News is reporting that 19 of those Arkansas birds were members of Al-Qaeda

   Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

   my favourite ride is the "slip inside"... oops, I meant the slip n' slide...

   there once was a time when these things made me chuckle... but not anymore

   Why does a hooker make more more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re sell it!

   guy from arkansas said "they need to find out what is going on with the birds we dont need dead birds flying around" and you might be a dumass

   ‎"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany. Victoria Secret should be 3rd base....Cartier home run

   It's funny to me when people say all blondes are dumb because not all guys are blondes!?!?!

   ‎"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany.

   I wonder if Cher is going to get lonely once the rest of us have died.

   ‎"Oh my god, they have Rolling Rock??!!" - said by maybe 2 or 3 people a year.

   I'm fairly sure "PIMPIN LIKE BUBBA GUMP GOES SHRIMPIN" is the worst text I've ever sent.

   Thought I'd better warn you. Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

   as much a chance with the ladies as a bird does flying safely through Arkansas

   I'll baffle them with brilliance, then I'll let you talk.