Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.

   thought he saw a ninja while driving home today - turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

   knows the world cannot end in 2012, because my GNC protein bars expire in 02/2013

   how come when I fart you say eww but when you fart, its ok

   I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   Google Earth: Helping stalkers since 2004.

   celebrating Elvis style tonight....putting on his cape and bringing extra scarves for the ladies.

   Marshawn Lynch just became the first caveman to score a touchdown in Seattle playoff history.

   Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Ke$ha, Why dont you clean your face before you make a ''music'' video?

   everybody is entitled to their opinion no matter how wrong they may be.

   the next time I get pulled over, and the cop asks .. "do you know why I pulled you over" I'm going to respond with "y did you already ferget?"

   wondering if you can do me a favor? Tell me if this rag smells like chloroform.

   My girlfriend just said she was leaving me because of my gross habits and childlike behavor.It shocked me so much that I almost choked on my toenail, which would have surely given up my position in the hide-and-go-seek game I was in with my imaginary frnd

   I got an iPod for Christmas, gave my son an iPad, gave my gf an iRon

   My eighty year old neighbor neither agreed with or could conceive the foreign idea of the “I before E” rule isn't that weird .