Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is a waste of time, Time is a waste of life. So, get wasted all the time and have the time of ur life ;)

   I went to Lowe's with a bucket of Legos and asked the manager if we could build something together. She threw me out.

   wonders how a fine is justified as a predetermined tax for doing something wrong, and yet taxation is accepted as a fine for doing well?

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face....but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   a fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it did half the time.

   - Today's word of the day is "Legs". Now let's go back to my place and spread the word.

   newest kill off of wildlife to hit the news. 2.5 million eagles fans just dropped outta the playoffs

   99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer. Take them all down skip the dam song, drink em all at once with a beer bong.

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink... But if you must lie, lie in the arms of you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death., and if you must drink, drink in the moments that takes your breath away....

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. Guess she heard her killer coming.

   So the Packers beat the Eagles. They might beat the Falcons. Then possibly the Seahawks and then meet the Ravens in the SuperBowl... Wow! All those teams would be in a Fowl mood !

   Being a doctor who performs circumsion, I took all the foreskin tips to a taxadermist who made me a wallet. Great thing if you rub it a certain way it turns into a suitcase.

   says it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   says its so cold today, that I just seen on the news that the fire department rushed to the strip club to pry 2 ladies from a pole.

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!

   Allergy alert: This status may contain peanuts.

   forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store

   I expected the Eagles to loss. All the birds are dying anyway...makes perfect sense.