Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

   I know I'm drunk when it takes me longer than three seconds to figure out what's happening when I walk through a fan blowing air at me

   No one wants to work. Work sucks, it's just that eating thing we all like to do

   Legally,It's questionable. Morally,It's disgusting. Personally,I like it.

   The US president should have lead the country today in a moment of PRAYER; then out of respect for the 6 people who lost their lives and the 19 people wounded, the non-believers could have exercised their right to SILENCE.

   Why do men complain about women nagging when it could all be solved so easily? DO IT THE FIRST TIME WE ASK!

   believes insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it. ツ

   snow on da ground, snow on da ground, lookin' like a fool with yo car spun around.

   you wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on your front porch.

   will not discriminate against the following: race, religion, sex, or creed. However UGLY... I have to draw the line somewhere!

   Status will update in 5 minutes...If not, read this again...

   I can still see my feet, so seconds is still allowed.

   Just found out I'm the tallest midget in the world

   Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.

   If someone makes a valid point, you don't just get to say 'hater' and walk away feeling like you've won. If you say: 'you're just a hater' they should take away your right to vote or own property.

   The only thing in my cupboards is a pregnancy test….. Dam it now I have two problems….

   When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.

   If my wife ends an argument with "Fine, do what you want!" I'm pretty sure the words "If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep" are implied.

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   wondering if dyslexics can truly appreciate alphabet soup...