Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you hear about the new Austalian diet? It's called Swim Fast.

   Snowman hunting is good training for the zombie apocalypse.

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....

   Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

   WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?

   1) Type in google "50 Most Popular Women" 2) Find something with abcnews.com 3) Click on it 4) Look Who has "Nr. 7" position 5) Have a nice laugh)))

   If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

   Just beheaded my neighbor's snowman and placed it on a stake on his front lawn.

   remember the old steam pipes in school making noise as they would heat up....bet that is like the sound of dial up internet to kids today..

   doc told me to walk around the block everyday. I'm gonna set a lego in the floor & be back in 5 seconds

   Bella: your pale white and ice cold. You don't eat anything, and I can't find you when the sun's out. I know what you are. Edward: Say it. Say it out-loud. Bella: A...snowman.

   AbbyBaby Kurt New pregnancy test for black woman was just released on the market. Insert banana in vagina, then remove after 10seconds. If banana is half missin, there's another monkey on the way!!!

   My girlfriend has over 1000 female Facebook friends. 132 Notifications later....that's the last time I'll ever be the first person to comment when she post a picture of her damn cat...

   Big Question! Is Justin Baiber a female or a male? I am googling but not getting any straight answer.

   If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None...it should be open when she brings it to ya.

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake

   looked up the word "thug" in the dictionary. The definition was "Auburn".

   You know you're from ________when you play Spin The Bottle on family game night.

   I have so many "get into heaven points" from so many people "praying for me" to "save my soul" that I can safely cause hell on earth.