Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mom woke me up today at 2, I was so hung over, she told me I needed to get a job, I told her I got 3 last night.

   If New things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.

   Its so cold I'm thinking about roasting my chestnuts on an open fire!

   New entertainment. I go to a FB friends wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like. This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are

   Justin Beiber has a movie coming out! What is this world coming to? We would all be better off if someone pushed him into an active volcano!

   Humans invented peanut butter and chocolate, but God put them together

   Zuckerberg only won Time's Person of the Year because he defaulted the ballots to vote for him & nobody could figure out how to change them.

   My girl told me I should embrace more of the holiday season. So I glued a mistletoe to my back pocket!!

   I know you're great Superman, but telling a reporter your weaknesses and about your background was rather moronic of you. Why don't you just give your enemies a "How to beat Superman" list.

   I wish one night stands could be annulled.

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   Getting in the Holiday spirit, just put Mistletoe in my wallet.

   signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.

   "ThInKs If you wRiTe like DiS" You need to go back to myspace. Its annoying. Grow up.

   the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.

   to the dude who is "board" try pgs 1075 - 1080 somewhere in their I swear I totally lmfao.

   I asked my daughter to make a list of things she wants from Santa, and her reply was "I don't need to make Santa a wish list, daddy. He's been watching me all year...he knows what I want!" I'm &#%ked.

   facebook went down...so I had sex, ate a sandwich and VIOLA! its back! Luck of the Irish!

   My Dad asked me what I wanted for Xmas tonight. I told him a gift certificate from Adam and Eve so I could get that swing set. He said he thought the kids were a bit old for it but he said he would look it up online. Boy is he in for a surprise.....

   FaceBook was shut down for 10min today.I could only imagine the baby boom to come in 9 months from now...