Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Darwin. I just found a few more candidates for you on the drive into work.

   Sometimes I prefer the storm before the calm. A little chaos gets my juices flowing.

   Hates it when you are waiting at a red light for a long time with zero traffic then it changes to a flashing yellow.

   Ever have one of those friends that has been there for you, took interest in what you do then just stops talking to

   Dennis Leary is my calm inner voice.

   Everyone relax - astrology is still total bullsh*t.

   When I was young, we had to walk outside to find out what the weather was like

   I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

   I remember the days when we actually used our phones to talk to each other.

   gonna make a bundle in zodiac tattoo removal!!!!

   Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.

   Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

   1.Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake.

   How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

   "AGAIN?!" - Me, every morning.

   Every hero has that villain to keep them going.

   Just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   Five bucks says I'm totally broke.

   The best feeling of the day is getting into bed, the worst feeling of the day is getting out of bed.