Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Little Jonny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently "3 BJs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

   The best gift anyone has ever given me is the truth. I will take the truth over a cleverly wrapped lie every time.

   According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here.

   In West Virginia, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching him because he was completely out of breath.

   DO NOT breathe in my face, if you can't handle the truth........."Hey, does my breath smell like tacos?"..."Did you have chicken sh!t tacos?"..."No?!?"..."Well then, your breath does NOT smell like tacos..."

   finds it ironic that I have to get out of bed on humpday.

   They should make a more honest name for 16 and Pregnant. Stupid Little Girls sounds good to me.

   Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.

   if a deaf boy cusses in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

   Tip: if you have to put lol in your own status, more than most likely it's not funny.

   If everyday were payday, my wife would be such a nicer person.

   Dear Wednesday, I sincerley hate you. Your nothing compared to Friday !!

   just read Snooki doesnt wanna be called "Snooki" anymore. so what do we call her now? I say we call her "Annoying Orange" or is that taken?

   When Kraft writes "To open push here" on their mararoni and cheese box, what they really mean is "You can try, but this tab is never going to open"

   Imagine if you knew exactly when are you going to die, what would you do with the rest of your time? I bet you would change a lot of things about you life...

   I wonder if musicians ever feel stupid singing a song with a chorus that repeats 35 times, because I certainly feel stupid listening to it.

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   "Windows is waiting for the program to respond." Funny... So am I.

   Just did my own personal training session w a CrossFit trainer. Rowed 500m, 40 air squats, 30 full sit-ups, 20 push-ups, 10 overhand pull-ups. 5min 23 seconds. Then crawled to the bathroom to dryheave.

   What's this ♫♪ 'Crazy little thing called Love'? People say ♪♫ 'Love will keep us alive' but then ♪♫ 'Too much love will kill you'.... now 'I want to know what love is'. ♪♫