Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been watching movies all wrong. Apparently, you're supposed to guess out loud what's going to happen next.

   Parking in the "Expecting Mother" parking spot wasn't a mistake. I'm expecting yours.

   I wonder if that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?"

   I wouldn't call Hugh Hefner a cradle robber as much as I would call his 24-year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, a grave robber.

   Predicting the future is easy, no one can prove that you're wrong.

   If you hate sarcasm then stop asking stupid ass questions.

   Apparently my awesomitude outshines my kickassedness.

   small achievable dreams are better than impossible big illusions

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   I heard Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery with one of her children – she wasn't in and had to go to the sorting office to pick it up.

   These days, there are all sorts of people who get shortened names. For example, Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo, Susan Boyle gets called SuBo and some people call Simon Cowell something like SyCo. I don't think Pete Doherty will go for it...

   Oh snap, I just dropped my cocaine in the snow. I'll never find it now.

   now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   ..... 84-yr-old Hugh Hefner engaged to 23-yr-old Playmate. He proposed to her on X-mas which is appropriate since he's the same age as Jesus!

   Everybody got snow blowers...Me all I got is man power a shovel.You wont see me in the gym gettin ready for Summer.

   Hef engaged to a 24 year old?! Now I'm inspired that my future trophy wife may not even be born until 2040!

   Before starting any new chapter to study...i always count da number of pages!!

   Congrats to Hugh Hefner on your recent engagement. And thank you sir for showing us naked photos of the women you've banged since 1953.

   only 4 more days before you all make resolutions you won't keep anyway