Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

   The word bed looks like a bed

   Bowling naked is fun! Course it helps to have to have an empty nest and a Wii;-)

   Sonny Corleone would still be alive today if he'd had a pike pass.

   My parents told me I could be anything I wanted. I've finally decided. . . I want to be 21 again.

   Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask myself: "Is this all there is?" And then I hear a little voice that says: "What kind of question is that?"

   I just wish once someone would call me "Sir". . . without adding, "You're making a scene."

   Ilistening to country music and reminiscing about all of the bad things. . . all of the sad things that never happened to me.

   Yesterday my wife brought home a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. The title of it is. . . "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong"

   Happiness is cruising in the fast lane, maybe just a smidge over the limit, and the cop car right behind you, that you hadn't noticed, turning his overheads on. . . and immediately crossing over the median to go after some poor slob going the other way:-)

   It's FRIDAY!!! CARPE SCROTUM . . . seize the day by the balls!!!

   If you have ever done anything foolish that could have caused grievous bodily injury to yourself. . . but didn't, I invite you to press like.

   My wife grew up in Liberty, Mississippi. I'm not saying Liberty is small or extremely Southern, but when you're in town and yell, "Hey Bubba!". . . EVERYONE turns and waves.

   I miss the days when their mother's loving kiss could solve all of my children's problems:o(

   tips to get through work... Adjust your screensaver accordingly, I'm currently at a strip club

   "Never say goodbye when you still want to try. never give up when you still feel that you can take it. ...never say you no longer love a person when you can't let go..

   says if someone questions your motives for doing something, throw them off by saying "I did it to protect you"

   I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared

   always confused when someone brings up Indians in a conversation...I never know if they are referring to the feather or slurpee ones....

   just fell in a fountain.