Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Best part of tonight is no alarm clock tomorrow

   Somebody made alot of money selling their baby to Elton John! Hope he doesn't let the "SON go down on him."

   UPDATE: I'm still handsome.

   Those that say majority rules have obviously not watched the NBA.

   When I die, I want my Coroner's report to say.. death by mischief

   So happy Regis Philbin is finally retiring...I hear he's been trying to vacate his stool for years.

   I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of my Polish friends..

   The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously

   This is my butt (_._) This is my butt in jail (__o__)

   Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

   The status you are trying to read cnnot be wiewed from your current country or location.

   Better open some windows. I just ate "weapons grade" chilli!

   My girlfriend and I always have sex doggy style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   drilled a hole in his head. Now he is bored

   thinks it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.

   Hey Obama, I could use that change now. I am doing laundry and could use the quaters.

   figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.

   I am addicted to updating my Facebook status. The first step is admitting I have a problem, right??

   I walked into Kwik Trip to pay for the gas & get a soda. It said, "Brat Day $1.50" in big letters!! This explains so much of the kids' behavior!!

   Some people really have a knack for giving my middle finger an erection...