Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   Since the snow stopped i've been skiing to work :-)

   theres nothing quite as embarrasing as getting your hidden "baby oil" bottle for that special lonely moment, and seeing "LMFAO" in black marker written on it..

   Fun idea of the day: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.....

   "Do you know why I pulled you over today?" Umm... was it so I could answer your damn riddles? Officer, you know perfectly well what I did. Let's get this done so I can get back to being late for work.

   We like to pretend each season is three months long, but truth be told, Spring and Fall are slackers.

   I just got a good deal on a hamster from a puppy mill...he's really cool, he doesn't even need a wheel because he has no feet...yeah I like to just move him around the cage every few hours :)

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.

   I am the ghost of Christmas Passed Out.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like sh!t.

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   I wonder if Santa's "list" goes from 12/25-12/25, or does the new list start on January 1st? I think we have a few days to be bad that aren't on record...

   They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.

   I have deja moo... the feeling I have heard this bull before.