Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

   it legal yet to kill ex-husbands?? If not, vote for me next election, and I'll make that piece of legislation my first order of business.

   Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

   My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?

   Some women are terribly hard to please... the rest are impossible!

   The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.

   The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

   Words of wisdom: Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

   Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."

   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

   Life's a b!tch, because if it were a slut, it'd be easy.

   What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? About 45 lbs

   If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?