Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   it wrong when your pubic hair is longer than your pubic?

   Do you want people to accept you as you are? Or do you want them to like you?

   The phrase "This sh*t is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.

   When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one ment to be trown away?

   Frosted animal crackers, proof that this generation is too fat!

   discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.

   So you need some excitement in her life? Go buy a pet hippo or badger. Problem solved!

   i like my coffee with half and half... half cream and sugar and half coffee

   I remain concerned that without Internet access, the people of Egypt may not know that Charlie Sheen is okay.

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Professionals built the Titanic; Amateurs built the Ark.

   Don't you just love nature? Dispite what it did to your face.