Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd buy you. And I'd get a good deal because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted.

   Israel changes its relationship status with Egypt on FB to "it's complicated". Lebanon, Syria & Palestine 'like' this

   at my age it's not my cereal, but my body that goes SNAP, CRACKLE and POP!

   Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision. -Dwight Schrute.

   I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther. -Dwight Schrute

   How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

   having an anti-valentines day party

   hows Lamar Odom the 3rd best Laker and he got the 3rd best Kardashian??

   Dear Punxsutawney Phil, If you are not frozen, please come out of your little home tomorrow morning with your eyes closed(so you don't see your shadow) and flip everyone off. That should sum up this winter.

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   if that groundhog sees its shadow your gunna see its dead carcass..

   Yes Mom, I can watch TV and be on the computer.

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....

   Things not to say life lesson 586: Asking your wifes attorney " If your here then who's running hell?" Is not so much a good idea

   look, I'm not mad that you're sleeping with my ex...I'm just wondering why you'd want to feel like you're throwing a hotdog down a hallway?

   Middle Age---When you sit at home and Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you...

   here is how you fix the problem in Egypt, someone get dressed like MOses and go to the president and say "let my people go" .... hey it worked before =)

   The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar.

   celebrating black history month by wearing all cotton clothes