Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just read wikileaks next bombshell is that Captain Crunch was actually only rose to the rank of Ensign

   Dear Governments, when people lose everything they have then they have nothing to lose.. thats how they LOSE IT!

   Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, “Man, did you see the size of that bug?”

   Someone make an I-phone app that can tell me what my blood alcohol level is. 

   Support the economy, buy me a beer.

   What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.

   Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.

   Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park... but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

   "Babe is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Uh-huuh" "Let me put it in slowly" "It still hurts!" "Ok let's try another shoe size"

   A cop pulls over a guy. He says "Sir your eyes are alittle glazed, have you been drinking?" The man replies "Gee officer your eyes look alittle glazed too, have you been eating doughnuts?"

   I bought a car last week. Well, by "bought" I mean "poisoned" and by "car" I mean "my neighbor's dog."

   Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   treat everything like a dog would. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.

   egypt had 10 plagues, I think they can handel ppl in sweat suits throwin rocks.. .

   I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her

   People must do well to remember that a nose belongs on the face and not stuck in SOME OTHER PLACE.

   Was told to set an example. So I picked to be a bad example

   So if you don't know the local language and need to find a restroom. The universal sign is to act like your holding your penis and making a hissing sound. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Someone give Bruno Mars a grenade and pull the pin. I'm getting sick of that song. She dosen't love you, I don't wanna hear about how your stalking her.