Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why everytime I go to the store to buy some milk, I feel like I have bought the whold damn cow!!

   looking fo a site where I can find old as well as new friends and maybe see some pics of what they look like now. Any ideas?

   going to call you a half-wit, but I didn't want to tell a half-truth...

   Dear Lunchables, I remember when I was a kid I used to love eating you, now that I'm an adult, I realize now that you are just cheese and crackers and are nowhere near a full lunch, wtf was I thinking. Please update your lunchables to feed more than a sma

   OK now I feel bad.... just saw muted footage of rioting in Egypt...and thought it was file footage of Black friday in the Wal Mart parking lot......

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   Dear hotel guest....why waste time pulling the toilet paper off the roll.... just pull the core OUT and wipe with the whole damn thing!

   I won't believe the Groundhog saw his shadow until he updates his Facebook status.

   Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   My dentist is smoking hot! I always ask for the lead vest, even though I don't need an X-Ray!

   I have to admit... I've learned quite a bit about Egyptians over the past week... For example, I was very surprised to see how Egyptians really walk.

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

   waiting for wolf blitzer to invite the situation to the situation room ....

   with the current state of relationships these days, I think the Grim Reaper should take Cupid's spot...just seems more realistic to me....

   snow is like sex.....you never know when you're giong to get it and when you do, you never know how much you're going to get!

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.

   listening to Carole King tell him that she feels the Earth move under her feet and that it has something to do with when I'm around......does that mean she thinks I'm fat?

   Dear Lean Cuisine, Your microwave lunches are small. My body does not get 35MPG like most people. I get more like 12MPG with a strong tail wind. Please help. Love, Me