Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't need 50 expletives in a Facebook status. It makes you look -- uneducated.

   If reading this status message caused premature death, you may be entitled to compensation. Please call our law offices if this has happened to you

   Its so cold and the snow is so deep it wouldn't shock me if I found Megatron when I shovel.

   I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....

   You guys ever notice that the crazy girls on every season Bachelor kinda look the same? I don't know maybe CRAZY looks the same on everyone.

   currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery......who has something nice to say?

   "Egypt.......please don't destroy the pryamids. We won't rebuild them." -- The Jews

   They say the world of relationships is an endless sea, but sometimes you go to bed with a mermaid, the next morning you wake up with a whale

   Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

   I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….

   Guys, it's time to start working on those apologies for Valentine's Day.

   When I die...the one thing I hope God says to me when I get to heaven......"Don't worry.....she's not coming".

   too avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.

   Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?

   found out this morning that frying bacon while naked may not be as good of an idea as it sounds!

   Love puts the fun in together, the sad in apart, and the joy in a heart

   can't seem to find East Virgina on any of the maps he is looking at

   wonders how different the world would be if bad and stupid people came with warning labels

   Men regret the girls they didn't sleep with while Women regret the guys they did.

   asked to leave from a house party for being to rowdy. Solution.....I asked to use the bathroom and upperdecked their toilet.