Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who doesn't deserve a spanking now and again?

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   If your boyfriend gets you flowers and chocolate for Valentine's Day, it's because he was saving money to get his real girlfriend jewelry.

   Sure, sure, Egypt . . you started a revolution with a facebook page. But have you stopped child abuse by changing your profile pic to a cartoon character for a week? Yeah, didn't think so. Go America!

   The older I get, the older old is.

   don't want FOP Damn it, I'm a Dapper Dan Man!

   We live in the W.T.F generation = W-wikipedia T-twitter F-facebook ;)

   Wikileaks latest release: Wikileaks latest release: Up-Up, Down-Down, Left-Right, Left-Right, B-A, START.

   You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.

   Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Bleeched blonde hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man.

   In my opinion,nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend untill they get married...

   Either I made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

   Q: What do you call a Packers fan holding a bottle of champagne after the Super Bowl? A: Waiter.

   Super Bowl Sunday is always followed by National Call Into Work Sick Day.

   ╔═══════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ═══════════════╗ ♥ SEX, ALCOHOL & FOOTBALL - IT'S SUPER BOWL WEEKEND!!!!!!!! ♥ ╚═══════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ═══�

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."