Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll have a coke please . Hhmmm is Pepsi ok ? Hhmm how about no ! Is monopoly money ok ?

   thinking of starting a thread on facebook.... public restrooms need seat warmers!!!

   Mondays really need to be limited to one per week!

   Due to time constraints, your regularly scheduled status has been postponed. Please check back later for further updates.

   Thank You Kellogg's® Crunchy Nut™ cereal for the great slogan “It's morning somewhere”…Now, when I have afternoon or evening wood for no apparent reason, I have an answer….

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs

   Cinderella is proof that a fancy pair of shoes can change your life!!

   the hell with taking me away...Calgone take all these idiots away from me!

   There's an 80% chance that a meteorologist is going to be wrong.

   I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in egypt, but I suspect it;s some sort of pyramid scheme

   Ladies...if the wind blows, and you hear a whistle...the 'gap' is no longer sexy, and you might want to consider different pants...

   An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

   Jello is just kool-aid...with a hard on...

   I cant wait till April 7th of this year!!! "Oh thank heaven 4-7-11"

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...

   Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?