Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know your getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping

   Thanks for posting those pics. Are you trying to seduce me?!

   School taught me one thing i'll never forget..........how to text without looking

   reading the latest edition of Better Homes & Gardens while wearing a Mexican wrestling mask.

   "Lets eat Grandpa" - "Lets eat, Grandpa" - Moral of the story? Commas save lives......

   I can't completely hate on Valentine's Day since its ending signifies the beginning of Cadbury Egg season, one of the greatest seasons EVER!

   Starbucks isn't really that expensive when you you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup...

   Whats the over/under on mentions of Favre during tonight's broadcast? Ah, it doesn't matter I'll take the over on that regardless. Its nearly a sure thing. .

   I was asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.

   Write down your crush's name on a piece of paper. Then eat the piece of paper. Don't post this, because nothing will happen. Tomorrow morning, you may be sick from eating the piece of paper..

   "Don't worry, there's plenty more fish in the sea!" - Err, who the hell would want to date a fish? O.o

   hehe every needs to laugh once a day to stay healthy

   when the room gets quiet I say things like "im a bannana":)

   the only thing your "pajama jeans" match is your "sketcher's shape-ups"

   Don't do anything you're going to regret in the morning. Or at least leave before regret wakes up!

   Going to Mexico next month and my buddies suggested I take my lady to a donkey show. Cool! We both love those Shrek movies. Thanks for the suggestion guys!

   Its snowing again! Oh don't worry I will be posting fresh photos soon because I know you all love that!

   uh huh you know what it is.. green and yellow.. green and yellow..

   Listen, I don't take my clothes off for anyone, even if it IS "artistic."

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.