Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not laughing at you--I'm laughing near you. And pointing. At you.

   I have come to the conclusion that my adult life was contrived by a stoned teenager.

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds

   Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm...

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon

   If I ever get a firm grip on reality I'm gonna choke the sh*t out of it!

   So you're telling me that a house fell on your sister, and the only thing you care about is her shoes?

   i know its hump day but get off my leg.

   comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable

   They say weed kills brain cells. I'm down to my last two. One is on life support and the other one is trying to pull the plug.

   Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.

   Where is this "chill pill" they talk about and how do I get like 5?

   I'm really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.

   I never text while I'm driving. I'm too busy putting on my makeup.

   Will he stay or will he go? Seems like President Mubarak must have the same publicist as Carmelo Anthony...

   you ever had that one friend that you don't like to eat with, cause they chew their food like their mad at it?!?

   Remember that good decisions rarely make for good stories.

   Remember - with Valentine's Day only five days away, it's not too late to break up.

   Well skank you. Skank you very much!