Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   alot of people believe they came from monkeys...im not going to argue with them.

   So I know it was kind of wicked of me to make chocolate chip cookies when you are on a diet, but I licked them all when they came out of the oven so you wouldn't be tempted.

   at home snorting Dorito dust.

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that life is totally random.

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   When you refer to Ben Roethlisberger as being a "loser" in The Super Bowl, you DO NOT have to use the word "allegedly".

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   I miss the good ole days when moms wanted us home for dinner she didn't have to use a cell. Her speed dial was yelling "time to eat" out the window.

   Ah the warm feeling when you see your ex has gotten fat.

   Curse you jalepeno poppers, CURSE YOU! Why do you have to taste so good and hurt me so bad?

   I tried to look up the Kelly Blue Book value of my car and it said before it could tell me it needed to know how much gas was in it....

   My girlfriend never says what she means, but drops hints and leaves clues she wants me to try and figure out. Its like I'm dating the frickin' Riddler!! Well I'm not Batman so she is SOL.

   If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….

   If we live more than 200 miles apart, I will always mark "not attending" on every invite you send me unless I get at least a month's notice. Please keep this in mind when you send out your invites.

   Okay, I admit it! I have my chat showing as offline because I don't want to chat with some of you right now.

   Bought jelly, peanut butter and bread. Made a PBJ sandwich. I love it when a plans comes together.