Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm celebrating Egypt's freedom by eating the top of the food pyramid all day.

   I think I'm gonna wrap myself in a box, label it anywhere and see where I end up. I've always loved to gamble.

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   *Boop* I got your nose!...No..you don't...

   Dina Lohan said "God has a plan for Lindsay". Dina, God's plan is simpler than that. It's called "porn".

   wants you to spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.

   5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette

   Whenever a person uses "then" instead of "than" on Facebook, an angel drop kicks a puppy.

   When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.

   So Donald Trump is looking to run for president in 2012. I'd vote for him just to watch him tell Obama he's fired ;>)

   I wish I had chocolate socks! It would make my foot-in-the-mouth problem less traumatic!

   GTL,.......just had a grinder and a taco, and now bout to finish my laundry

   If you ever find yourself thinking...man I really need to go out and buy myself a Clay Aiken cd...please delete me as a Facebook friend

   Apparently Mubarak was trying to wait things out: " I will step down when the Cleveland Cavaliers win a game". I think he just realized he doesn't have all year to wait...

   Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.

   No facebook, I wanna know what's on your mind!

   just gave a woman my number in Roman numerals... if she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

   thinks sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...

   I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.