Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone, you fought them. Now you just defriend them on Facebook.

   Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Ben Roethlisberger collection. It came with a roofy, two advil for the day after and a do-it-yourself police report..

   throwing rocks at the person throwing rocks at you...

   Over the weekend, Dallas gave Michael Vick the key to the city. What's next for Vick -- an award from PETA?

   John Fogarty is asking me if I've ever seen the rain.......I have and I've seen alot more snow than I care to though.

   I miss Gary Coleman, I grew up with him...he just never did.

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   Women are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get...so you should sample them all...maybe eat a few too...

   Final Words..."These are the GOOD kind of mushrooms"

   You know you're getting old when you need a sports bra on to brush your teeth.

   Good friends will be there with tissues...Best friends will be there with a baseball bat saying " what did they do to you and do I need a shovel?''

   Oh. so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie?

   I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

   Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!