Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   farting in a bottle and capping it so I can smell it again next week....

   I need a damn girlfriend...well not a "damn" girlfriend, just a girlfriend...well not just a girl that's a friend but...a girl...well, not a girl, but a woman...OMG I am turning into Mr. Kimball! Damn you, Green Acres!

   I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...

   Would like to remind all my friends who also spent Valentine's day alone, St. Patricks day is only a month away... Start drinking!

   I know you think your kid is all smart and stuff, probably is, in relation to you.

   Fancy a 11/11/11 baby ?? ...... if so, best do your stuff this Friday !!!

   I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

   5.It's tough to lose weight when you're older. By then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   the difference between try and triumpth is just a little bit of umpth!

   Today's inspirational post: You can do it!

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

   I think when someone asks for advice they're really asking "want to start a debate?"

   Click Filter On or Off To See This Status.

   And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."

   Hosni Mubarak, the dictator just died

   As I sit here eating Cheerios out of a plastic bowl, it makes me miss my kids in their toddler years. I think I'll get a High-Chair and make them eat dinner in it. I hope the weight limit is higher than 150lbs. Teenagers weigh a lot.

   So in bed last night he says "let's have another one...". I wonder what story he is giving his co - workers today on how he got that black eye?