Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feb 15, time to go back to not loving each other.

   alcohol may cause more deaths than AIDS, TB, and violence... but doesn't it make up for it with pregnancies?i

   Tomorrow Facebook will change its settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep & eat your brains with a sharpened spoon. To stop this from happening go to Accounts/Home Invasion Settings/Cannibalism/Brains & un-check the "Tasty" box.

   The Sun... Woman dies after having special resin injected into buttocks... Gavin from Autoglass has gone too far this time!

   A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

   A late Valentines Day card fell onto my door mat this morning. I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from. It was my postman, I saw him down the driveway, only seconds later.

   My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.

   I asked the lady at the bookstore, "Where is the self-help section?" She said telling me would defeat the purpose.

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can

   ‎1st Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed in meat, then she went to the Grammy's in an egg! 2 more Red Carpets & she'll be a "Grand Slam" @ Denny's!!!

   it just me...or does Muammar Gaddafi looked like Mickey Rourke?

   Happy Unimaginative, Consumerist-Oriented, and Entirely Arbitrary, Manipulative and Shallow Interpretation of Romance Day

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

   you make me feel like I can touch the planets, you want the moon girl, watch me grab it!

   $100 - Roses, $50 - Dinner, $75 - Hotel, Knowing I saved that money this year - Priceless

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant

   last Valentine's Day I was f**king stupid, but this year she's f**king somebody else!

   Watson, the super computer, on Jepordy! What's next, Johhny No. 5 on "The Dating Game"?

   if by Jareds you mean Wal-Mart, then yes I got it at Jareds

   If tonight goes just as planned for most people, we should see a lot of new babies in November