Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to make a to do list... whos name should I start out with first?

   Well guys, if you want to have a baby born on 11/11/11 better go home tonight and put the meat to her

   When Lady Gaga logs onto her computer it says ...... "You've got mail........genitals!!!!"

   News flash to all men: contrary to popular belief, driving a cool sports car or a LARGE PICK UP TRUCK does not make your penis any bigger.

   Charlie Sheen gives advice: Stay off the crack, unless you can manage it socially. I can manage it fine, it;'s when I start using is I have trouble

   I call bullsh!t!!...only took about 10 min's and the water was boiling…watched it the entire time….

   If I drank a beer for every good man I've ever met, I'd still be sober...

   Chocolate is my drug of choice.

   Decaffeinated coffee is useless brown water.

   I'm working on a plan to meet every one of my friends in person this year. I'm calling it the all-in-persons project.

   has discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken! So I guess there is no point bothering with hash browns then

   Coffee, Chocolate and Men...some things are just better rich

   Swears to tell the truth..the half truth and nothing like the truth so help me Bob

   When I die, someone please change my status to: "He's DEAD, Jim"

   Ahh, the gift card. The polite way to say here's $20, go get your own damn gift.

   When I was little, I thought my name was shuddup.

   First God created men....then he had a better idea!!

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   I just took a Justin and wiped my Bieber...........

   If the 'Dog Whisperer' were to be found out to be an illegal, and the boys from 'Cops' were after him, and he ran and hid in the woods, then the K-9 unit let the dogs loose ......now THAT'S a TV show I'd actually watch through the commercial breaks.....