Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stretch before sex , lots of people get hurt like that.

   Grammar are our friend.

   Dont smoke... there are cooler ways to die.

   I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

   How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren't even trying.

   My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   FYI, strawberry shampoo does not taste like strawberrys

   Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people.

   C.L.A.S.S. -Come Late And Start Socializing

   On the bus today I was sitting across from a really beautiful girl and I kept thinking to myself, "..please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection" ......................... but she did

   Just got into an argument with a voice automated response system on the phone…It hung up on me when I said ‘I used to finger your grandmother'….

   Just got my confirmation! I'm on the guest list for Charlie Sheen's Brews, Blow & Hoe's party.

   in a relationship with herself and its complicated..

   My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "

   Just got a toy black cat as a prize in a box of Lucky Charms.

   In _____________ they consider counting sheep a wet dream.

   Internet Beef: When You can sit in a bedroom in Mexico and talk about knockin out somebody in Finland and it will never come back to you.

   MSN News: Hippo caught on camera chasing boat. I think you'll find it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

   I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''