Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone needs to tell my apt building that tapping the handle on a shower nozzle shouldn't change the temperature by thousands of degrees at once

   Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   word of the day: nincomtard

   learning about the artists leanardo, donatello, michelangelo, and raphael......but all I can think about is mutated turtles with nunchuks

   babies have it so easy, they can poop or puke on anyone and people will still think theyre cute!

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Evidently once your mother leaves the house you jump on her computer and think your a comedian with the "once you....."

   wondering why zombies wear such drab clothing... They' look a lot less un-dead I'd they'd just spice up their wardrobes with a bit of color.

   Geting your wife two gifts but telling her one is for my Wife and the other is for my Lover is not a good idea. because she wont get it

   thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet.

   love is a social disease.

   There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap".

   clicked find freinds.....and all it said was good luck

   I just googled 2013 and it said the new Batman movie comes out SO TAKE THAT MAYANS.

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

   Does the President get time and a half on Presidents Days?

   Its peanut butter and jelly time. Minus the peanut butter, hold the jelly and with beer.

   I'll bet you the President gets his mail today.

   I have so little game I'm not even allowed to play miniature golf.