Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think it's about time Charlie Sheen changes his name back to Carlos Estevez, you know, to fit his name..

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you?

   As if the TSA couldn't get any creepier, today they announced they're changing their name to Uncle TSA.

   Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside.

   just separated 48 banana Runts from the other flavors out of the box. I feel like I just deprived a village of tiny monkeys food for a month

   I'm mayhem.....no your not, your that guy who played on OZ.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think some people are taking it as a challenge.

   Watching Bowling on ESPN...they should have extreme bowling...skate boards, a few ramps then BAM throw that ball down the lane.

   bets that the first guy to ever dress up as a clown was really creepy.

   The only way I'm going to pass this test is if I eat it first.

   If I caught a Grenade for you I Will No Longer Able to Hold On To You Forever!!!

   It must be awkward when GPS navigation tells gay people to go straight.

   The things I do to impress people probably impresses me the most

   just had to separate 5 loads of laundry....and they will just have to sit there and think about what they've done....then and only then will I deal with them....

   I'm more obsessed with breast and thighs then Colonel Sanders...

   It's a shame lipstick doesn't do what it says.

   What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!

   The worst part of telling your friend you got laid off is probably when they try to high five you at the "laid" part.

   If you asked me to guess what perfume the lady next to me is wearing, I think I'd have to say every one she owns.

   Dear Xbox Kinect, if I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I would just play sports.