Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still has the christmas tree up in her room. I'm not a procrastinator, just an over achiever.

   Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.

   American Idol would be more exciting if there was a trap door contestants fell through immediately upon hearing the news of being sent home

   Quadaffi doesn't know what he's talking about. Al Qaeda spiked my coffee with acid and I don't want to destroy anything. All I want to do is wander around the landscape of my old copy of Myst and listen to Ozric Tentacles.

   They need to hurry the f**k up and make these damn robots! I'm not gonna live forever you know!

   Wow.... There really is one born every minute.

   annoying tip #27:when going on a nature walk with your wife, make sure the shovel fits in the backpack.

   God....if you give us back Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings or Freddie Mercury, we'll give You Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in return, Amen!!

   It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   heard OPEC is changing its name to 'bend over, America'...

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.....I can't put it down.

   Facebook suggested that I become a friend of Jesus...is that some sort of sign?

   The Eskimo's allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also...

   Just went to the kitchen for water and came back up without it. Now I have to go back to the kitchen.

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so we can all start getting some stuff done.

   Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.

   Looks like OPEC is up to their old tricks again....I had to cash in a few T-Bills and sell off a kidney to fill up my truck this morning!

   When you subscribe to an established religion, you have only two options. You can become an idiot, or you can become a hypocrite.

   Religions frequently promote inbred social networks. You're encouraged to spend more time with people who share the same belief system while disengaging from those with incompatible beliefs.