Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spend a lot of time wondering what normal people do in my situations.

   Being a virgin in this day of age is something to be proud of. It is like being a unicorn!

   I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?" The other 2 didn't use shampoo

   Jesus walked on water, but I staggered on alcohol

   Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.

   "Let's save this so we can throw it away in few days" - Tupperware

   Hey old guy, could you possibly smell more like mothballs? Are you carrying some on you right now? Is your bedroom like a McDonald's ball pit, just filled to the waist with moth balls?

   There are two types of people: Those who try to boil water in their toaster, and cowards.

   I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk. The clerk says, "What r you doing?" I said,"I want to open a joint account"

   February is Irony Month! I'm celebrating Irony Month by treating everyone equally, just like I do every month, because we're all human.

   Today is National Margarita Day, however, it is also National Humble Day and National Walk the Dog Day. Guess I will go home and fix a Margarita, hook the dog up to the treadmill and hide in the closet while drinking said Margarita.

   His speech was long and awkward like the line for the women's bathroom at a transgender convention.

   I'm about to make like the FCC and get the *bleep* outta here.

   Me: I'm really good at coming up with nicknames for people on the spot, mustache.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet & rub up & down. Yep that's how you wash a cup...

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   1) Go to Google Translate 2) Type in “Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty” 3) Translate: English to Vietnamese 4) Copy & paste the Vietnamese words back into translator 5) Translate: Vietnamese to English 6) Laugh Uncontrollably!!

   if you break a sweat walking to the buffet, maybe you don't need another plate...