Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This weekend I will be drinking in Dog Beers, that way it doesn't sound like I am such a lush.

   I was up all night wondering why I have insomnia when it dawn on me.

   If it takes you more than an hour to answer a text message I will assume that you're dead.

   Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.

   They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.

   not to self: dont respond "Im snipt" when she asks if you have a condom

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with you keeping your hands off of my body.

   That's the last time I go there for breakfast, nothing ruins an appetite faster than a waitress that has so much facial hair she looks like Chewbacca's sister, eggs anyone???? I also cant help but wonder what this lady's shower drain looks like :/

   just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant"

   I have discovered that after a huge argument makeup sex isn't all that great if the argument was with yourself.

   Since Two And A Half Men has been cancelled Charlie Sheen should star in his own reality show titled Two And A Half Brain Cells ~ My Life Filled With Drunken Binges, Being Wasted On Cocaine and Paying For Expensive Hookers.

   Nothing worse than getting paid on Friday, after you spent your entire check on Thursday

   Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits!

   This weekend: The Oscars, who will make the best dressed list? Who cares? The question I want answered is who will make the best undressed list!

   Honestly... why have faith in anyone that's not myself?

   I am so addicted to the stupid games on FB that I don't think of getting older anymore, I just think I LEVELED UP!

   1 ARM + 1 Leg = 1 Tank of Gas starting Next week!

   That awkward moment when someone asks Sirius Black if he's serious

   can't wait in 60 years to see what senior citizens will look like in jordans, timberlands with the pants that hang to there ankles and the shirt thats 13 times too big.

   i should not be allowed to send text messages to the opposite sex between the hours of 8pm and 7am fri-sun morning it only results in me making an a$$ of myself