Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This weekend: The Oscars, who will make the best dressed list? Who cares? The question I want answered is who will make the best undressed list!

   Honestly... why have faith in anyone that's not myself?

   I am so addicted to the stupid games on FB that I don't think of getting older anymore, I just think I LEVELED UP!

   1 ARM + 1 Leg = 1 Tank of Gas starting Next week!

   That awkward moment when someone asks Sirius Black if he's serious

   can't wait in 60 years to see what senior citizens will look like in jordans, timberlands with the pants that hang to there ankles and the shirt thats 13 times too big.

   i should not be allowed to send text messages to the opposite sex between the hours of 8pm and 7am fri-sun morning it only results in me making an a$$ of myself

   still has the christmas tree up in her room. I'm not a procrastinator, just an over achiever.

   Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.

   American Idol would be more exciting if there was a trap door contestants fell through immediately upon hearing the news of being sent home

   Quadaffi doesn't know what he's talking about. Al Qaeda spiked my coffee with acid and I don't want to destroy anything. All I want to do is wander around the landscape of my old copy of Myst and listen to Ozric Tentacles.

   They need to hurry the f**k up and make these damn robots! I'm not gonna live forever you know!

   Wow.... There really is one born every minute.

   annoying tip #27:when going on a nature walk with your wife, make sure the shovel fits in the backpack.

   God....if you give us back Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings or Freddie Mercury, we'll give You Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in return, Amen!!

   It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   heard OPEC is changing its name to 'bend over, America'...

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.....I can't put it down.

   Facebook suggested that I become a friend of Jesus...is that some sort of sign?