Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The things I do to impress people probably impresses me the most

   just had to separate 5 loads of laundry....and they will just have to sit there and think about what they've done....then and only then will I deal with them....

   I'm more obsessed with breast and thighs then Colonel Sanders...

   It's a shame lipstick doesn't do what it says.

   What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!

   The worst part of telling your friend you got laid off is probably when they try to high five you at the "laid" part.

   If you asked me to guess what perfume the lady next to me is wearing, I think I'd have to say every one she owns.

   Dear Xbox Kinect, if I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I would just play sports.

   Starbucks is now offering a cup that you climb into and have coffee poured all over you.

   People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies

   May I suggest johnny walker. At least you go down in style !

   Who would in a fight between Walker, Texas Ranger and Lone Wolf McQuade?

   After pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom...I had fallen asleep while taking a dump...

   So all men suck huh? Well After awhile, the picker needs to realize its on them for always picking out the bad apples from the orchard.

   The girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time...

   "No, ladies, you can't play with us, but you can dress like sleazy and encourage us." The guy who invented cheerleading.

   Eskimos moved in next door. Can I still call them that? I don't have to say "Arcto–Americans" or some crap, right?

   Petrichor, n. the smell of rain on dry earth

   I ate all of the Girl Scout cookies : ( Do you think Michelle Obama would mind if I buy some more??

   If I want your opinion I'll......actually forget that....I'll never want your opinion.