Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard smartphones play chess, but I've been at this table all day and dude won't even move his pawns.

   I miss the days when makeup wasn't meant to be noticed

   Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed

   I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.

   USA Today article: "Coffee, sex and smog can trigger a heart attack, study finds". Besides Bill Lumbergh, who is drinking coffee while having sex???

   i thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like yout not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   Girls these days are chasing nuts like squirrels before winter.

   gas is costing me a arm an a leg, if it hit 5 dollars I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to walk.. .

   Mike Tyson reality show? somebody kill me now.

   Just a kind thought to all those born on February 29th: You've only got 1 year left to plan your birthday party :D

   Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?

   You know that you are broke when your bologna has no first name.

   Your In ur bed, it's 6 AM,u close ur eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30,u close your eyes for 5 minutes,it"s 1:31

   Hi welcome to Hollister, Would you like a flashlight?

   Oh so the "wind is blowing" huh? Thanks for that description genius. But tell me this, have you ever felt wind that doesn't blow?

   Sometimes I feel like only Google understands what I'm trying to say...

   all men are born with their very own personal Shake Weight.

   Signs you are getting old: My friend was asked last week how she can sleep so early at night, and answered, "an eyemask." The person who asked wanted to know how an iMask worked.

   super excited cause In 21st century relationships.. you can touch each other's private parts BUT you can't touch each other's cell phones because they are PRIVATE!