Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay I have time to get an hour of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick but meaningful.

   looking for a landingstrip to a hanger where I can park my plane in for the night.

   You've just gotta love that awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one's listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

   cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding....I'm looking at Hustler and having a beer,

   When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!

   I've perfected the art of the “You're telling me a story that I don't care about, but I'm trying to look interested” face.

   Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?

   nothing scares a teacher "quite" like a person who can't spell.

   I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

   I cut my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

   Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out their mouth is sh!t.

   Nothing scares the government quiet like an educated citizen...

   What happens in Vegas end up on Facebook

   If young girls ruled the world there would be no wars. They would be too busy obsessing about Twilight and Justin beiber to do anything violent.

   Just saw Dianna Ross on Oprah, wow I don't think I'll ever get an erection again

   They should just put a big ol' "Fu** You!" sign up beside the gas prices at the gas station...

   A smart man just marries the right woman, even if it does take him years to find her.

   Anyone else think Charlie Sheen snorted the fine line between recreational use and addiction?

   Some people treat their body like a temple. I treat mine like a cookie jar.

   Scr*w you recommended serving size. You don't know me