Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you only walk in the day, how do you know that the night is bad? And if you walk in the night, how do you know the day is better? It is those who walk in the twilight who truly know the beauty of both. -Jenny Sands

   I was at a constuction site last week where all the contactors were Lesbians. There were no studs and everything was tongue and

   NEW GAMESHOW : I'm more socially functional then a homeschool kid.

   Hallie Berry....call me ;)

   Gotta love the commercials for medications. The side effects of the meds are usually worse than the symptoms. For example, I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms may include: hair loss, weight gain, growing an extra head, skin to disintegrate..."

   WOW!!!! Kirk Douglas looks better then Larry King.

   Ophrah needs to hang with Jennifer Hudson

   I'm not as dumb as you look!

   Well fellas another one bit the dust.......that's right he got married! Let us pray for him........................May GOD protect him, and that his wife will have mercy on his soul! And friend, I think it's time to start tweaking the whole " I, (name), a

   .My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   Police officer says "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer"

   I swear when LeBron James was born and the doctor spanked him he got the foul called

   Look, I know you have your "swag on" but can you walk a little bit faster?

   I get my energy from my inner G dawg. Just kidding I'm white.

   roses are red, violets are blue, the moment you leave, I'm robbing you... Thank you Iphone GPS!

   doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

   just discovered a great motivator for dieting. I just tried on my bikini's I plan on wearing this summer.

   Just herd Tyler Perry is investing in a new special event...Ah well... I will talk to you guys later, I'm about to watch Tyler Perry Presents: The Oscars.

   I'm counting the calories as I eat this double quarter pounder with cheese...Wish me luck weight lost!

   now that you've checked in there i'm going around your place to steal your things coz I now know i've got a good hour before you're close to home!!