Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i love watching commercials for medicatications. the symptoms are usually worse the the side effects of the meds. for example I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms might involve: growing an extra head out of your, neck, skin to decintergrate, loss o

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   I always wondered why dinosaurs are not mentioned in the bible, the dinosaurs were around before man created god.

   Scott Walker for President......of Libya!

   Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"

   If I truly posted what was on my mind........I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now! Enough said

   Shaved my beard down to goatee. I look like an elderly gay Viennese psychiatrist circa 1910. Sweet! Just the look I wanted.

   Hmm, my upstairs office window is open and I just spotted my kid's cape. Wish me luck!

   Whenever I find out someone has a waterbed I always think, “That's probably not the only thing you have”.

   Put on your Sunday's best kids. We're going to Sears....

   : Everybody wants some.

   Its funny, not once as a kid did I watch The Muppets and noticed the strings.

   Everyone in the terminal was clapping for me after I got off the plane! I bet those military guys behind me were jealous

   Thanks for "Checking In". Now I know the place to avoid.

   When is that guy from the Men's Wearhouse commercials gonna clear his throat?

   in the same place he was 10 minutes ago.

   This situation calls for a barrel roll.

   Forget air brushing. Your profile pic needs sandblasting!

   Another long day at the office. Well, for someone. I was home on the couch watching TV all day.

   I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.