Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm a much more lively person when I'm sh*tfaced

   I wonder if the first guy who used the pickup line “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together” is the same guy who invented the qwerty keyboard...

   The reason why I don't speak to you anymore is because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

   feels sorry for the blind girl at the beach today... she doesnt know how ugly her boyfriend is...

   My wife isn't speaking to me. All because I didn't open the car door for her. I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   death is the leading cause of funerals in this country.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a bat.

   my body is no longer my temple, it's more like a bar and grill.

   Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.

   She was gone as fast as rum cake at an AA meeting!

   Don`t let the sadness of your past, and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present...

   My wife said I was disrespectful and I was thinkin' does that mean she's gonna get me a beer or not?

   Smoking, drinking and you...two things I love.

   I've forgotten how to "hang out" with people if alcohol isn't involved.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way," I usually do.

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"

   Doctors were stunned by how many years she lived without a personality...