Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What All Fortune Cookies Should Say: You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.

   I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.

   Fact of the day: You can't spell 'prostitution' without 'STI'

   Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.

   Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft. The effort was nice but she reminded me more of a fridge raider.

   Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still f-kin moving.

   I was awarded the title of "Saddest Man in the World". I was so happy about it they took it off me...

   I was chatting to a girl in a club last night. She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?" I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

   Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"

   Its not insomnia. I choose to be awake.

   wondering who paid $40000 for a lock of Justin biebers hair. Maybe a paedophile wants to use the DNA to clone him.

   going to Hawaii. I'm so excited. I havent been there since the last time I was there.

   so excited! Theres only one more sleep til I'm awake again. Can't wait.

   there a better scream-along song than Journey's Don't Stop Believin'?

   For some reason, girls don't like it when you grab their hair, make a whipping motion, and say 'mush.' Go figure.

   FACEBOOK is the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" ; )

   Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.

   What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking!

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.