Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this s@%t…”

   28. They have changed the “Cookie Monster” into the “Veggie Monster” and still let Oscar live in a freakin' trashcan. Moral of the story kids, you can't eat cookies anymore-but because of this go live in a trash can and bitch at anyone coming

   I just lost my Job, I'm a Winner!!.

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

   What? Athletes AND celebrities use their product? Why, I'd be a fool NOT to have my credit card handy when I call!

   promises she's not stalking you... by the way you are out of milk

   I have to laugh, so Facebook is now correcting our errors with red squiggly lines, yet spelling Facebook they way they do is wrong?

   When Charlie Sheen said he had Tiger blood, he meant that he had been sleeping with hookers and his ex-wife caught him.

   Everytime I go to the pet store I feel compelled to ask the store clerk "where are all the b!tches at?"

   I'm not drunk I'm just German

   The only effective way to end a Facebook conversation is with “LOL”

   X wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.

   I take an on ramp to the freeway as if I'm heading to the checkered flag...wish everyone else did!!

   I'm a cool mom, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: Oh My God and WTF: Why The Face

   So, I just txt'd my mom that the baby might have a black eye tomorrow. Her response? "What does the other baby look like?"

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   I feel a need to apologize. My wife just got back from Wal Mart and apparently, she bought it all. I'm very sorry for any problems this may cause other shoppers...

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm should bring Charlie Sheen's mind back.

   Wishes there was a national "Free Domino's Day"

   So I'm seeing this girl right? And.........ah who am I kidding....im gonna go masturbate!!