Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don't know where to start

   Some people seem to read the Bible a lot as they get older. Maybe they think they're cramming for their finals.

   I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

   Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

   Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Jerry Springer

   I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

   Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

   I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

   If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

   If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late

   I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

   One goldfish says to the other, 'If there's no God, who changes our water every week?'

   Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

   You know you're getting old when 'happy hour' is an afternoon nap

   Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight

   You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

   U don't need friends to show how cool you r, or how great ur personality is. The tiger spends most of his time alone while sheeps are always in a herd