Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was sitting in the store parking lot and noticed one of those "Smart Cars". I was at first thinking it was pretty cool until I saw the owner tying his Papa Murphy's pizzas to the roof.

   Did you knOw that if your awake for more than 72 hours you can get away with killing someone by pleading insanity. I'm on hour 56 I'll let you know tomorrow how things go.

   You know what tomorrow is right? International have a good excuse to get way to wasted off of green beer day!

   I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   Does AT&T allow phone calls on their network? Anyone know?

   Try saying Whale Oil Beef Hooked without sounding like a drunk Irish man.

   Where am I going? and why am I in this handbasket?

   This is one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.. Happy St. Patty's Day!!"

   Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me...I'll laugh at you."

   had lucky charms for breakfest. I take this day very seriously."

   so Irish he bleeds whiskey.

   for every pinch, you get a kick in the lucky charms! Feeling lucky?!

   I truly believe that the key difference between men and women, is that a man can break a woman's heart, but a woman will sh!t IN a man's heart...

   Consider the social cohesion and dignity of the Japanese people in the face of unimaginable catastrophe. Contrast that with the behavior of Americans when faced with Black Friday.

   I heard that old Paris Hilton song "Stars are blind" today. Still stinks! Listening to that song is probily more painful than getting a prostate exam from Freddy Kruger!

   According to my Bikini Bottom translator, the word "Barnacle" means "FU#K" in the United States

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   I went to a Chinese restaurant and saw the sexiest woman I have ever saw, so I was blunt and said I wanna 69...she brought me Beef and Broccoli.

   The only time I don't 'get it' in a good way is at work.

   Does Angry Birds get it's name because the birds are angry at you when you can't beat a level or because it makes you angry when you can't?