Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   friends and condoms have something in common. . . they both protect you when things get hard.

   I only use the Asian laundromats. It takes two wongs to make it white.

   If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.

   When you look, you see reflections of your yourself. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.

   Since the groundhog lied this year, I don't feel bad telling you all that groundhog tastes like chicken

   I had sex last night from 1:55 to 3:02...I thought I was a machine until I realized the time had just changed.

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van

   If I hear one more person saying the worlds going to end because of the Japan Earthquake...I'm going to pray from this day forward that God punches you in the face for your stupidity!!!!

   It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

   I have to admit, I am a Creationist- I believe God was created by man.

   Don't ever think you're nothing because somewhere along the line, there's going to be someone who thinks you're everything.

   I Love People Who Find It Easy To Agree With Me But I Respect The People Who Can Muster The Courage & The Balls To Disagree With Me!!

   thinking she needs a time out from being a grown-up!

   Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

   Why can't the President tackle the real issues? Like mandating all clocks auto-program when there is a time change!

   Some people were dropped as children..But YOU my friend were clearly thrown at a wall!

   I just tried to rewind live TV and it said "Your V+ box has been in energy saving mode and is just waking up" ... crikey I know how it feels!

   "Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's more like jar of jalapenos- what you do TODAY can burn your ass TOMORROW!

   It's a new day - a chance to make new friends or piss off a whole new group of people. It could go either way.

   Wow, I had sex last night from 1:58 to 3:01... only felt like a few minutes but I rocked the bed for over an hour!! WOO HOO day light savings!