Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mapquest: Why not start with driving direction #5; I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood...

   Charlie Sheen is releasing his own cologne called Winning. I hear it smells like cocaine, rum, and hookers.

   texting people and asking for their phone number.

   I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

   Apparently....Charlie Sheen is now suing the tsunami that hit Japan for replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV.

   if you dont know what something is, dont ask on a facebook comment to let everyone know how stupid you are. if ur an idiot, the google search is ur friend

   Japan`s earthquake shifted the earths axis by 10cm. It`s not much but we are well on our way to our toilets flushing counter-clockwise!

   like a good neighbor state farm is there....with the winning lotto numbers

   Some lady, said I was like a cuddly big bear.... Funny, I was just thinking about scrimmaging through some trash cans and mauling some hikers. -_-

   When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.

   Man with the Oil Spills and now the Nuclear Meltdowns we are gonna blow up this planet one day...I'm thinking bout packin my sh^t and moving to another planet..Which planet did the 3 boobs lady live on in the movie "Total Recall"??

   Dang, these gas prices are higher than Charlie Sheen.

   Daylight savings is the lamest form of time travel.

   Ever notice that "What the Hell" is always the right decision?

   I got Adonis DNA.....Just check my bed sheets! WINNING!

   I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part of.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.

   Libyan uprising, Japan quake/tsunami, impending nuclear reactor(s) metdown -- BUSH'S FAULT

   If athletes wear 'JUST DO IT' shirts...do drug dealers wear 'JUST SELL IT' shirts?

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.