Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

   I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

   Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

   Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

   Whose idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

   When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

   I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

   Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

   In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.

   Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.

   How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?

   I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part

   Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

   I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

   Charlie Sheen was asked to take a drug test. His response.. "Sure, what drug do you want me to test?"

   You hold a door open for an old lady and you're a hero. You smell her hair as she walks past and suddenly you're a pervert.

   May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

   A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

   There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.