Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5139 of 6446

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.
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03-15-2011 06:05
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I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
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03-15-2011 06:02
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Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
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03-15-2011 05:57
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Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
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03-15-2011 05:55
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Whose idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
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03-15-2011 05:42
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When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.
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03-15-2011 05:33
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
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03-15-2011 05:32
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Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast
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03-15-2011 05:32
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Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
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03-15-2011 05:26
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In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.
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03-15-2011 05:25
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Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.
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03-15-2011 05:24
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How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?
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03-15-2011 05:21
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I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part
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03-15-2011 05:21
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Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
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03-15-2011 05:19
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I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
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03-15-2011 05:15
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Charlie Sheen was asked to take a drug test. His response.. "Sure, what drug do you want me to test?"

You hold a door open for an old lady and you're a hero. You smell her hair as she walks past and suddenly you're a pervert.
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03-15-2011 04:39
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May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
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03-15-2011 04:11 by RoN
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A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
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03-15-2011 04:09 by RoN
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There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
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03-15-2011 04:04 by RoN
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