Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

   Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”

   When I'm at a bar I aways look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

   I think I like your name more than your post...yeah you below me v v

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

   The roast of Donald Trump wouldve been alot funnier with Greg Giraldo mixed in there I loved his jokes on the previous ones.... R.I.P Greg

   Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.

   I think the "Situation" should be renamed "Regurgitation" after he stunk up the Donald Trump roast!.

   Just on the news... boni blue world surfing championships in Australia has just been won by an unknown Japanese man on a fridge!!

   now knows why they say silence is the best answer for a fool....

   makes mistakes but the only difference between my mistakes and yours is that I learn from mine...

   If I wanted to listen to someone bi!ch, complain and act like there better than everyone else I'd listen to RAP music

   as long as charlie sheen thinks he's winning, why can't can we just let him win?

   watching the Situation's comedy routine on Trump's Roast.. more like The Cancelation.

   Cop:Sir have you been drinking? Guy:Why is there a fat chick in the back? Cop:Sir are you drunk...? Guy:Why? IS there 2 fat chicks in the back!?

   Females who have multiple abortions should really start making it their business to swallow.

   Whoever at Comedy Central decided that they should allow The Situation to be a roast should be fired. His set was more painful than getting a three-fingered prostate exam!

   I found the key to success...however, I found a note from success's landlord saying that the locks have been changed.

   Sometimes what is said is not what is meant and what is meant is left unsaid.

   I was Home School Valedictorian!