Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel betrayed by ice cubes, like all they do is lie to me about how much drink I really have.

   So I walked into a bar... ...and who do I see sitting next to me but 50 Cent, and he's knitting a sweater... So I yelled to him, Gee you knit?

   I guess ima go to school in my boxers tomorrow since it's pajama day

   Called into work.. Told them I pulled my liver..

   The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... so I'm going to have to start sitting down when I pee.

   I Left Bread Crumbs Behind So I'll Never Forget Where I Came From.

   1.You're reading my status. 2.You wanna keep reading. 4. You didn't notice I skipped 3. 5. You're checking. 6. You're smiling.

   read tha Tiger Woods has a new Girlfriend who is 22 years old...does she not watch the news

   "Its my money and I need it now" I just wanna smack the sh*t out of J.G Wentworth!!!!

   Dancing with the Stars 2011: The last time I saw the names of these "stars" was when I last played the Trivial Pursuit "Nobody Gives a Crap" Edition.

   Figured out what AT&T meant by 3G...it means my signal is Going....going....gone

   Ok Charlie , If thats winning I want to be a loser the rest of my life

   Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

   ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth

   I can text my bank and they will text me back my balance... I could do without the LOL at the end of it though.

   drinking at the bar so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you... but I've never driven a bus before.

   When people tell me I can't do something, I prove them wrong by complaining about it on Facebook.

   I'm going to take a much needed break from reality, so I'm logging off, and getting some work done...

   "A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week."

   I love when girls say "i don't mind" as if anyone cares...