Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's ok to crack your knuckles, just don't knuckle your crack

   I'd mind my own business if yours was a little less interesting

   If girls think giving birth is hard try playing call of duty on a laggy server

   Copy and paste this as ur status, send it to 3 people in 10 minutes, absolutely nothing will happen! It works! Ive done it twice and both times nothing happened!

   Happiness isn't getting what you love, it's loving what you get...

   “I'm Single ” doesn't mean ” I'm looking for somebody “, just thought you should know.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying “there's one.”

   Today, it took 473 licks to get to the center of my Tootsie Pop. You're welcome, World.

   LOVE ~ It's a special kind of stupid.....

   WARNING: As of today - Facebook will start dragging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings>Planetary Settings>Trajectory then UNCLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse'.

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   this Chick that's trying to get him fired for allegedly giving her "Inappropriate Massages" in the Office, or so she claims. I told her "Good Luck Honey: I Don't Even Work Here!!"

   taking a nap.... and not giving it back.

   for more info on lung cancer, keep smoking..

   Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

   Good Morning , I see the assassins have failed

   They never should have made the game life. I was under the misconception that it was as easy as rolling dice, getting awarded a job, and stacking pegs on top of your car.

   Why is President Obama out of the country and on vacation when this Charlie Sheen thing is still playing out?

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".

   today has been so boring and uneventful, there must be a twist ending in the works. Like one of my co-workers will be revealed as a cyborg, or someone will get eaten by a bear.