Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just headbutted his cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

   hopes the walls stops moving before his manager notices he's drunk

   would say something smart but you wouldnt understand...

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!

   I just went downstairs and my roommate is watching American Idol. I am not saying the show is bad or anything, but sometimes I think it would be fun to be in the audience with a toilet plunger and a crossbow.

   Next person who says "I hate the heat and humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   Happiness is only a beautiful woman and a riding crop away.

   twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar.

   did I really just see a guy on a bicycle carrying a 30 rack of Busch?

   you can tell more about a person's true character after they gain some random wealth

   Just because she weighed as much as TWO women...doesn't mean you had a threesome

   hanging out with charlie sheen, no explanation needed.

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life.

   I think an aptitude test, ensuring the ability to change out the finished roll of toilet paper to a new role, should be required before you are allowed to breed....

   Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."

   X Why does seaworld have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'oh my god... I could be eating a slow learner..'. (had to correct the spelling error from the first post)

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.

   Facebook : "a stalkers dream come true"

   When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, “Ladies first” it really means “Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks.”