Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two tips for faster jogging (1) hot guy in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you

   My right hand just fell asleep but I'm not really in the mood

   pulled more tail then a slow kid at a petting zoo.

   if you listen very carefully you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   I get offended when others talk while I'm interrupting.

   This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...

   For the record, if my mother ever tells you she uses Oxycontin to remove stains, it's not true.

   I know when I take a huge dump its a big relief, is that how Obama feels when he talks?

   When I start thinking to myself that I want a girlfriend I just turn on The View and put the volume on max. It snaps me back to reality

   Roses are red, violets are blue. after today, I need a xanex or 2..

   Hung-over, Adj. Suffering from near death like state, often catatonic and always with a pounding headache. Unbalanced with no sense of humor. Needs total silence and another drink.

   They should have an option that says "On the Prowl" for your Relationship Status..." Single "just isn't cutting it .

   Stop Ignoring the Signs of the New World Order

   Today's Weight-Loss Tip: Use Krazy Glue instead of lipgloss...

   I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes”

   dropped it like it was hot but couldn't pick it back up.

   wondering how a flower and several dollar bills ended up in different articles of my clothing last night.....and why a local strip club just called and asked if I wanted to start my first shift tonight.....

   Its almost the time of year when I don't have to worry about leaving footprints in the snow when I'm looking through your window at night.

   Googled "Bing" then Asked to find Wikipedia.

   If your parents don't have children. Chances are you won't either.