Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5108 of 6446

Two tips for faster jogging (1) hot guy in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you
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03-27-2011 23:38
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My right hand just fell asleep but I'm not really in the mood

pulled more tail then a slow kid at a petting zoo.

if you listen very carefully you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance
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03-27-2011 21:14
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I get offended when others talk while I'm interrupting.
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03-27-2011 21:08 by Aaron
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This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...
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03-27-2011 20:56 by Paul
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For the record, if my mother ever tells you she uses Oxycontin to remove stains, it's not true.
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03-27-2011 20:46 by Shawnee
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I know when I take a huge dump its a big relief, is that how Obama feels when he talks?

When I start thinking to myself that I want a girlfriend I just turn on The View and put the volume on max. It snaps me back to reality

Roses are red, violets are blue. after today, I need a xanex or 2..
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03-27-2011 16:16 by brandy
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Hung-over, Adj. Suffering from near death like state, often catatonic and always with a pounding headache. Unbalanced with no sense of humor. Needs total silence and another drink.
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03-27-2011 16:10 by Berlin82
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They should have an option that says "On the Prowl" for your Relationship Status..." Single "just isn't cutting it .
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03-27-2011 14:42 by Hot Tea
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Stop Ignoring the Signs of the New World Order
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03-27-2011 12:22
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Today's Weight-Loss Tip: Use Krazy Glue instead of lipgloss...
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03-27-2011 12:21 by Sierota
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes”
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03-27-2011 12:08 by CJ
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dropped it like it was hot but couldn't pick it back up.
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03-27-2011 10:44
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wondering how a flower and several dollar bills ended up in different articles of my clothing last night.....and why a local strip club just called and asked if I wanted to start my first shift tonight.....
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03-27-2011 10:38
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Its almost the time of year when I don't have to worry about leaving footprints in the snow when I'm looking through your window at night.
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03-27-2011 10:25
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Googled "Bing" then Asked to find Wikipedia.
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03-27-2011 10:20
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If your parents don't have children. Chances are you won't either.
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03-27-2011 09:36
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