Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, if you took all the parking meters downtown and laid them end-to-end, you'd be in jail faster than you can say, "Guinness Book of World Records"

   Dear Fox News, So far no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed

   A nice way to fire people is by throwing them a surprise going away party.

   Got a problem with me?? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'?? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me?? Sit back down. Can't face me?? Turn the hell around.

   When I was young, pop and lock described the way I liked to dance. Now, it describes what happens to my knees when I stand up.

   I just saved a bunch of money on therapy by switching to Dolly Parton music!!

   Happy Wife = Happy Life

   I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking... scared the hell out of me. So that's it, after today... no more reading.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   I think this shameless self-promotion on Facebook has gotten out of control. BTW: I am awesome.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Sigh. guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in our fridge and left a note 'can't live like this'

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   was just kicked out of Walmart for giving myself a breast exam. Apparenlty I misunderstood the concept of a self check out lane.

   Don't you wish you called-in blind, just cause you can't see yourself at work today?