Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whys everyone so excited about opening day? I thought walgreens in town didnt open until tomorrow

   We all have that one friend who needs to get laid. Well, at least my friends do.

   Why don't guys ever suck at singing? It's either good enough or surprisingly great. Of the girls I know, maybe two are amazing, the rest of us sound like drunken seagulls, and there's always one who can only be described as a serial ear murderer.

   Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.

   I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

   : Things Change. Times change. I changed. you changed. :C

   Just saw a commercial for the new movie "Hop". I don't think I'll ever look at jellybeans the same way again! ;)

   My plan to impress people with big words has failed egregiously.

   I want to be there when Google takes the street view picture of my address. The possibilities are endless.

   Did you blow Bubbles when you were younger? Well, he's back in town and wants your number.

   visiting all 6.3 million web pages about 'obsessive personality'.

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom.

   Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.

   that awkward moment when you realized that thousands of other people actually went to google and typed in "funny facebook status's"

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   When is it considered to early to start drinking...cause I think I'm 4 hrs behind!!!

   Has anyone invented a time machine? If so, "when" did I get one?

   Just want to let you all know what the new Google homepage logo is all about. It is to celebrate the 200th birthday of Robert Bunsen who invented the Bunsen burner. So calm down all you local junkies...it is NOT a Meth lab!!!

   Wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come

   A good man is hard to find, or is it the other way around, a hard man is good to find?