Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this had been a status update, the Attention Signal you just read would have been followed by official status, news or general BS. This concludes this test of the Emergency I Don't have a Status Update.

   I discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?".

   *Yawn* oh no… keep talking… I always YAWN when I'm interested….:)

   STOP whatever your doing, DROP the weed in the paper, ROLL a fatty

   Quote of the night. "Sex dolls are not meant for speed."

   It's a real shame that Justin Bieber never got to attend a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house

   what? I never said I didnt like you. I said "leave me alone, you make me wanna throw up"

   You see that box with the fb pictures by the top right corner? The day I see any of my friends pictures in it, I'm screwed.

   I feel like a ninja when I wish people happy birthday on Facebook at 12:01am

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I feel like I need to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I want to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.

   I just witnessed a beer tub get carried away on a stretcher...

   Feeling like a slurpee? Go 4-7-11

   I used to have an open mind but my brain kept falling out....

   Thank heaven 4-7-11

   Stupid people exist just to make you feel better about yourself.

   Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.

   Uncle Luke is running for Mayor of Miami... (no punch line..its funny enough!)

   Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

   it too late convert Charlie Sheen into a Redsox's fan so they can start winning?