Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a kid about 4 - 7 years old with a mullet I can almost guarantee you there is a meth lab at his house and I would just like to go smack his parents!!

   Sophisticated…Aerodynamic…Incredibly Powerful, yet responsive to lightweight handling

   People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."

   Starting to doubt if Lage Gaga is a drag queen

   I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you.

   offensive and creative like handicap porn…

   Rain on a Monday, in spite of the fact we need the rain, is unacceptable. Mother Nature will be hearing from my attorney.

   That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.

   That odd moment when you sober up and realized you poked your sister on facebook last night.

   My imaginary friend Dan is a terrible wingman.

   My 2 lesbian neighbour got me a watch for my birthday :/ I think they misunderstood me when they asked to me what do you want for birthday and I said: I WANNA WATCH!!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

   I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.

   Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

   Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

   I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.

   Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the 'S'

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

   Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

   Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!