Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you wasn't too into yourself, I'll probably be into you.

   Just did a 50,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, with the picture FACE DOWN...

   Darth Vader vs Hitler Epic rap battle in history 2, on utube

   I wish they would make hold music for cell phones

   Don't post something you know will obviously annoy someone and then act surprised when they comment on it. You're not fooling anyone! You are clearly provoking them and want the attention.

   New Rule: If you are currently separated and/or getting divorced you must deleted or at least block your soon to be ex.

   facebook needs a button that says,"What you just posted makes me want to stab you in the neck with a crescent wrench"

   How did the Wicked Witch of the West not die of thirst long before Dorothy showed up?

   shooting Hoops. (Hoops is my neighbor's annoying dog that likes to crap on my lawn.)

   Dear Diary: Facebook has replaced you.

   I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".

   Playing the ice cream truck song out of my car and watching all the people running around looking for ice cream.

   Those people with central air conditioning think they are sssssoooooo cool.

   thats why you get your drivers license photo taken when your drunk , that way you can tell the officer that your not drunk , you always look that way.

   Woke up with a post it note on the end of my foot saying "Gone to market"...

   making Sunday my favorite day since Rebecca Black ruined Fridays.

   My funny Facebook statuses are my contribution to society.

   I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success

   When life throws you a curve, downshift and take it vigorously.

   a man donates blood to his girlfriend. they break up. he says he wants his blood back. she throws a tampon at him and yells 'I'll pay you monthly!!'