Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Monday, Please don't be a snatch today. Please pass on the message to the rest of the week...Thanks

   equal pay for equal work ---> equal work for equal pay...as of 9 APR that equals zero. Until we are retroactively paid, I will retroactively work.

   hates people who try to straighten their glasses with grimaces

   Guy: God, how long is a million years to you? God: A minute. Guy: How much is a million dollars to you? God: A penny. Guy: Can I have a penny? God: In a minute

   "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger this afternoon and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

   When I go on deployments, I have my friends send me Jack Daniels in a Listerine bottle.

   Went to this mexican restaurant for dinner ... It had pronounciations of each item ... Nachos (Na-choos) Buritto (Bur-ee-toe) Taco (Ta-Koe), never laughed so hard in my life! Side note: It was attached to a bowling alley ... awesome

   Jack Daniels.

   When I see a kid about 4 - 7 years old with a mullet I can almost guarantee you there is a meth lab at his house and I would just like to go smack his parents!!

   Sophisticated…Aerodynamic…Incredibly Powerful, yet responsive to lightweight handling

   People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."

   Starting to doubt if Lage Gaga is a drag queen

   I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you.

   offensive and creative like handicap porn…

   Rain on a Monday, in spite of the fact we need the rain, is unacceptable. Mother Nature will be hearing from my attorney.

   That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.

   That odd moment when you sober up and realized you poked your sister on facebook last night.

   My imaginary friend Dan is a terrible wingman.

   My 2 lesbian neighbour got me a watch for my birthday :/ I think they misunderstood me when they asked to me what do you want for birthday and I said: I WANNA WATCH!!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.