Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner

   I crack open a beer and get on facebook when I have nothing else to do....and also when I have something else to do....

   I run with scissors. It makes me feel dangerous.

   The early worm gets the bird. ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   Don't steal. The government hates competition.

   “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.

   Dont you hate when you lying to somebody and someone else come out of nowhere like "oh yeah, I heard about that"..... lol.... NO you didnt, cause I made it up!!!

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   The Netherlands have 800 miles of massive dikes? That's one hell of a parade.

   Just say yes to boobies. There's no other way to go :D

   Just found out a human kidney is worth up to 100,000 dollars. On an unrelated side note, party with free alcohol at my house this weekend.

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.

   After hearing the news that an AirFrance jumbojet clipped a Delta Airlines plane, France immediately surrendered.

   If at first you do succeed, try something harder

   Remember, Eat Your School, Stay in Drugs &&& Don't Do Vegetables?.......Wait........

   Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a smack upside the head. Lets raise awareness.

   I just had a Clark Kent moment, I didn't recognize you because you didn't have your glasses on.

   You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.

   Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with.